In my last post I introduced the concept of the ‘line of choice’ which exists between a ‘default’, automatic response to a challenging situation – a ‘below the line’ response – and the more emotionally healthy option of a thoughtful, constructive response – an ‘above the line’ response – to the same situation. In this post I want to share some thoughts on how you can improve your ability to operate ‘above the line’.
The two steps suggested below both require a degree of self-reflection, however they offer alternatives to ‘default’ responses that might currently exist.
The first step is to ‘calibrate’ your understanding of above and below the line reactions by drawing on your own experiences.
Start by remembering a situation in which you’ve been working with a person or a group and everything just seemed to ‘click’. Think about what was going on in that situation, about how people were behaving. Was there an overriding sense of respect for each other? Was everyone actively listening to each other? Did each person take responsibility for their own input, and for their own role? Did people tend to think before they responded? Were you doing all these things yourself?
These are the typical behaviours we see when people are operating ‘above the line’. If you can recall a good example of such a situation you’ll know exactly what I mean.
Recall a situation in which you’ve worked with another person or group but things were not working nearly so well. A situation in which the default positions of everyone involved – perhaps including yourself – were defensiveness, blame, denial and/or justification. Think about how people were responding to each other. Did it seem automatic? Were people quick to judge, snapping at each other, acting without thought?
I probably hardly need to explain what’s going on here: that these are typical ‘below the line’ behaviours.
Now, if you were able to come up with good examples of these two relative extremes of behaviours above and below the ‘line of choice’, you will be able to start to analyse your responses to a broader range of situations. Have a go at it: look back on challenging situations you’ve faced in the last week or two – it doesn’t matter how small or significant – and analyse your responses against the above ‘calibration’.
The second step in training yourself to operate ‘above the line’ more often is basically an extension of the first. Once you are adept at recognising above and below the line behaviours in yourself with the advantage of hindsight, you will be able to start doing the same thing with more immediacy.
Your aim here is to become more aware of your emotions as things are unfolding around you, rather than after the event. In other words, your aim is to be increasingly ‘present’, or ‘in the moment’.
With practice, you’ll find that you can do this. As you do so you’ll also find that you can ‘catch’ yourself in the ‘magic quarter second’ I referred to last time. With increasing frequency, you’ll be able to think before you act – to make a choice before you respond rather than responding automatically.
The acid test? When someone cuts you off in heavy traffic and instead of hitting the horn you are able to silently let the situation slide with no more than a wry grin. Once you can do this, you are on your way to increased emotional health and better working relationships.
Gayle
