What does it feel like to be open – truly open – to the ideas and opinions of someone else? What does it feel like to listen – truly listen – without judging or criticising (even internally) what is being said? What does it feel like to enjoy – truly enjoy – what you are hearing as a new way, a new approach, a real alternative?

For many of us these feelings are less than frequent. It is so easy to become ‘stuck in our ways’ of thinking that we are no longer able to be open, or to listen without judgement. We cling to what we hold dear, to what we believe to be true, to a lifetime’s supply of preconceptions.

Unfortunately, this holds us back, closing off a world of possibility. And yet, the opposite is also true. If we can learn to ‘listen for the first time’, all sorts of great opportunities present themselves. We are able to build on these opportunities together, potentially creating something quite amazing that we would never have created on our own.

Importantly, it is also possible to do this without losing what you hold dear or truly value.

As leaders – but also as friends, family or colleagues – it is very easy to stop listening while in conversation. A person starts speaking to us and almost immediately we have assumed what they are about to say or what angle they will come from. Often we will begin formulating our own response based on where we believe the conversation will go; we find ourselves ready to answer, or we interrupt, without fully considering what has just been said.

When this happens, the energy leaves the conversation and it closes down. There is no idea generation. You and/or your conversation partner may begin to wonder why you even bothered sharing your thoughts with each other in the first place. An unwillingness towards going down the path of conversation may also be generated.

Clearly conversation of this type remains unproductive, yielding little in the way of collaboration or cooperation.

So how can we better create opportunities to be open, to truly listen and to enjoy and build on a conversation?

There are some simple techniques we use – influenced by the world of Quantum Think, by Time to Think, and by our own focus on strengthening emotional health with leaders.

The first is to create an environment in which a truly connected conversation has the best opportunity to happen. This means doing simple things like limiting the distractions in the environment (including turning off mobile phones and putting them out of sight), directly facing the person who is with you and looking at them while they are talking. These would seem to be common courtesy, but you might be surprised, if you were to observe yourself, how often you allow distractions in.

Another technique is to ‘listen for the first time’, that is, listen to the person you are conversing with as though it is the first time you have met them. Listening for the first time changes your perspective and offers an opportunity for your imagination and curiosity to come into play.

This can be challenging to experience initially, but with conscious practice you will get better at it. Asking simple questions in your mind – such as “Who is this person?”, “What is important to them?”, “What do they truly care about?”, and “What interests them?” – can open up the conversation and create new insights around the person you are with.

A third technique is to catch yourself in your habits. If you find yourself setting up an answer in your head, or assuming what the person will say next, acknowledge (in your mind) that this is happening and let it go. Return to what you are hearing with greater focus. If your mind drifts away again, repeat the acknowledgement. Experience tells us that repeatedly disrupting an old pattern of thinking and creating a new one will enable the conversation to continue with greater openness.

I’m sure we can all add to these techniques, and it would be good to hear about what has worked for you.

What we do know is that truly listening to others has benefits for ourselves and for the other person, and can lead to the creation of real opportunities for ongoing collaboration and connection.

Gayle