Credit: Deathtostockphoto

Credit: Deathtostockphoto

One of the most interesting experiences I have in working with leaders and their teams is the conversation that comes up around being ‘authentic’ and what that really means.

When hearing a leader describe the way they give feedback or deal with difficult situations, it is not unusual to hear something like: “Oh, that is how I am. I tell it like it is and people just have to accept that. I am being authentic and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

In itself, phrases like this clearly reflect many qualities of authenticity: openness about what the leader is thinking and how they are feeling, talking about things as they see them rather than avoiding the subject or playing it down, being true to their principles, raising unspoken issues and bringing their unique perspective to the situation.

However, there is something about the bluntness of these phrases that doesn’t sit comfortably. The problem is not with the words themselves, but in the ‘how’ they are delivered.

While being straight and ‘to the point’ is consistent with the notion of authenticity, it isn’t necessarily aligned with what we might call the ‘spirit’ of authenticity.

The problem is that directness of this type can have a negative effect on the other person in the conversation. It can cause them to react and respond in ways that keep them safe but not genuinely engaged. They might withdraw without saying anything, become defensive and ‘snap’ back, or just comply in the situation because they feel that is what is expected, but without ‘buy-in’. When this happens, the person no longer remains in the conversation. There is no interest or engagement and in many cases fear, anger and distress can result.

In short, the leader may think they have presented authentically, but they have not elicited an authentic response from the person they are communicating with.

When I have given feedback to a leader about the impact they are having with this sort of ‘direct’ authenticity – about how they are making me or other people feel – the typical response is something like this: “So now you want me to be ‘warm and fuzzy’ – to avoid telling the truth or pointing out the real facts”.

The thinking here is that there is no middle ground. The leader believes they either need to be ‘tough and blunt’ or ‘warm and fuzzy’, and that the latter necessarily means dodging issues and fundamentally being inauthentic.

At this point I generally point out that this is not necessarily the case. It is possible to have ‘both…and’: to remain authentic, to say what is important and needs to be said without compromising the relationship with the other person in the process. Achieving this is to achieve the true ‘spirit’ of authenticity.

To be genuinely authentic requires operating ‘above the line’, with a clear focus on the other person and the impact you are having on them. There are a number of things you can do to achieve this.

  • Before the conversation, be clear in your own mind about the outcomes you want from it.
  • Know what triggers you to become defensive and reactive. Prior to the conversation, create an ‘intent’ around how you want to ‘be’ in it.
  • Create an environment (including the physical surroundings) that sets the conversation up and will be non-threatening for both you and the other person.
  • Know the principles/values you hold dear and how they will guide the conversation.
  • Understand where the other person is in their own emotional health. This will help you anticipate their likely responses and reactions and tailor your message to keep them engaged.
  • While in the conversation, switch on your ‘inner observer’ and monitor your own body language and tone of voice as well as those of the other person.

All of this will provide you with a real platform to both be yourself and respect where the other person is at the time you talk. It is neither ‘tough and blunt’ nor ‘warm and fuzzy’, but it is genuinely authentic. It is about creating constructive and genuine interactions that get a message across in an emotionally healthy way.

Gayle