There is nothing quite like an industrial relations dispute to highlight one of the main points we like to make about emotional health. The Qantas dispute, which I mentioned last time, and which now looks set to be locked in arbitration for some time, is a case in point.
Disputes like this – the ones that drag on with neither side able to budge – are good examples of ‘either…or’ thinking. In this case, without knowing the details, there is a strong suggestion that both sides are seeing the outcome as ‘either we win or they win’.
It doesn’t need to be that way. There is a very different way of looking at situations of differing perspective: the ‘both…and’ way.
‘Either…or’ thinking is very common. It comes from a mechanistic view of the world in which the general response to a situation of conflict or debate is that someone will win and someone will lose. You can see this thinking promulgated every day in the media and in politics. It’s thinking supported by an assumption that there is only one right answer in any situation; any other answer must be wrong.
‘Both…and’ thinking means looking at a situation from the perspective of abundance, as opposed to the scarcity of ‘either…or’. So, for instance, a ‘both…and’ view of the Qantas dispute would be for both sides to agree that it is possible that the airline could remain both profitable and employ Australia pilots and maintenance crews. It may not be that the ‘how’ of that situation is clear, but the power of ‘both…and’ would at least offer a different start to both sides thinking about the possibilities.
‘Both…and’ thinking is powerful because it forces us to consider possibilities that we may not otherwise even imagine. It resets the starting point of a negotiation at the win-win end of the scale; from there, both sides can work towards a whole new option.
This is a good example of how language can be used to change perspective, achieve amazing results and build emotional health. Over the years we have drawn a lot of our inspiration from Diane Collins and her work in the world of QuantumThink. In fact, the whole idea of ‘both…and’ came from her teaching around the ‘traps’ in our mechanistic world which stop us from thinking with our ‘whole body’. ‘Either…or’ thinking is one of those traps.
So how do we avoid this trap? If you can train yourself to look at tricky situations from a ‘both…and’ point of view, you can open up a whole world of new possibilities for yourself and those around you. And you’ll be building your emotional health level as you do so.
Doing this takes time and practice. Just as I wrote about in the previous posts about ‘above and below the line’, you need to ‘present’ and catch yourself in that ‘magic quarter of a second’ before an automatic ‘either…or’ response kicks in. Initially it might be difficult, however if you can make it happen with increasingly frequency, you’ll be amazed at how different your world, and the possibilities within it, start to look.
Gayle
Thanks Gayle!
I remember a discussion around the five most important things needed this decade on Radio National at the beginning of 2011 – can’t remember who was speaking….and one of the speakers nominated the concept of there being an almost infinite number of solutions between the two extremes – we need to look for more of them more often!
And the win:win is often (always?) in the long term the best solution.
Resentment usually (always?) stems from some form of loss.
Staying above the line takes constant effort and reminders – much appreciated!
Cheers,
Jane
Thanks Gayle,
It is great reminder, I like to sit behind the driver in the car and see what the driver sees before making judgement. John Maxwell in his book ‘Develpoing the Leader within You’ says in problem solving to first prioritize the problem as the single problem to work on and Define the problem by asking ‘What is the problem?’ by simply 1. Ask the right questions 2. Talk to the right people. 3. Get the hard facts. 4. Get involved in the problem. I believe weshould never allow the problem to dwell as it devlops bitterness . Solve it before it starts to develop by gathering all the facts and developing a working solution. Don’t go below the line.