A few days ago, my drive back to the office was one of those experiences that rigorously tested my ability to stay ‘above the line’. We all have them from time to time. There was a taxi trying to do a U-turn across a clearway, another car stopping mid-stream for no apparent reason, and various other surprises along the way.
The experience, along with some other recent situations in my life and in the news, got me thinking about the nature of impatience. We see impatience at play in road rage incidents, in more frequent expressions of anger in workplaces, and often in queues at the supermarket. It seems more common for people who don’t immediately get what they want to feel a sense of indignation – of someone else taking advantage – and that tends to send them ‘below the line’.
It would be easy to blame this perceived increase in impatience on the fast pace of the modern lifestyle, on today’s need for instant gratification or on the ‘consumer society’ in which the customer is deemed to hold all the power.
But that seems a little too simple to me.
Rather, I wonder if what we are seeing over time is a gradual breakdown of some of the basic tenets of what keeps our society as a whole emotionally healthy. This breakdown is perhaps best expressed in terms of Jack Zenger and Dale Miller’s Basic Principles, which I introduced a couple of months ago.
Take the first principle: ‘Focus on the situation, issue or behaviour, not the person’. It seems to me that there is a general trend away from living this principle, that is, an increasing tendency to blame ‘the person’ when something goes wrong. We see this play out frequently in public debate, with the media emphasis – whether in politics, society or sport – nearly always on the central character rather than the underlying issue.
Focusing on the person too often leads to generalisation, judgement, blame and defensiveness – that is, ‘below the line’ responses. When we don’t take the time to understand the circumstances behind a situation – even something as innocuous as a car pulling across in front of us – we reduce the potential for a thoughtful and compassionate ‘above the line’ response.
Of course, as is always the case, each of us has a choice in this. None of us needs to follow the trend, no matter how prevalent it becomes. Quite the opposite: those of us who believe in building a more emotionally healthy society must make the choice to stay above the line as much as we can.
This requires breaking the pattern, increasing our awareness and catching ourselves before making judgement or attributing stereotypes. It requires having an intent around building and maintaining constructive relationships (another of the Basic Principles). We need to constantly remind ourselves that only very rarely do we know the complete circumstances surrounding another person’s decisions or actions. We need to hold our understanding with patience and compassion.
It is interesting that with public figures it is only when we get a glimpse of the ‘real’ person – as revealed occasionally in a ‘behind the scenes’ or post-retirement interview – that we begin to understand their motivations and circumstances. With others – the taxi driver, customer service agent or even work colleagues – we rarely have this luxury. That makes having patience and compassion in everyday situations even more important.
Gayle
Gayle, deeply thought provoking – brilliant. My behaviour way too often. Your article has provided me with the focus & commitment to try again using the “intent” idea. Thank you.