The word ‘empathy’ has been in common use for around 20 years, yet it is still widely misunderstood – both in its meaning and its application. At times empathy can still be confused with ‘sympathy’, and through that confusion empathy tends to be thought of as ‘something you do with someone who is sad’. In practice, the ability to be empathetic has broad application and is one of the more important capabilities anyone, especially a leader, can have.
There are many definitions of empathy. The one we like to use is this: having a deep emotional understanding of another’s feelings and problems – so well that you truly appreciate what they are experiencing. We also value the native American expression: ‘Walking a mile in another person’s moccasins’ – simple yet powerful in what it conveys.
Central to empathy is active listening. On average we spend about 70% of each day communicating with others, of which we spend about 45% of our time listening. Unfortunately, while we all dislike being ignored or neglected ourselves, many of us are quite poor listeners. We hear, but we don’t really listen.
But having empathy goes much further than effective listening. To really have empathy is to effectively experience the thoughts and emotions of the person you are listening to – to understand their situation as though you were in it yourself. This requires a high level of emotional health, as you really need to be able to set aside your own feelings, set aside judgment, be present and focus entirely and deeply on the other person.
All of this leads to what I perceive as a level of hesitance around the use of empathy in the workplace. In many cases, work is not seen as the place for the dealing with emotions – we have often heard people express this sentiment. Some leaders turn to “Human Resources” to deal with any emotional situations that come up. Others have told us that they tend to avoid overly strong connections with their people, fearing that forming a strong emotional bond and allowing themselves more empathy will undermine their authority.
The truth is quite the contrary. Daniel Goleman points out that the ability to have empathy is critical to emotional intelligence. In practice, a leader who actively listens and shows empathy will be highly appreciated by his or her followers. The leader is seen as compassionate, authentic – as someone who cares. The empathetic leader will have a much stronger bond with his or her people and, therefore, a deeper understanding of what makes his or her organisation tick.
While an increasing number of leaders can see the benefits of being more empathetic, many leaders still hesitate to use this capability. “I can’t be someone else,” is a common response. While that is true, it is also true that empathy is not about becoming another person. It is about understanding what drives and motivates that person, and what might be affecting them to cause the emotions that have surfaced. It is also about being there to support that person through what they are experiencing and ensuring that they can continue to contribute effectively.
The great thing is that the more you learn to tap into the feelings and emotions of others – the more you expose yourself to the diversity of the feelings and emotions others can have – the better you will get at truly understanding where those around you are coming from.
Gayle
In the Asian Society, many leaders still hesistance to use the ” empathy capability” as they have been hard-wired with the perceptions that that capability is more associated with being “not powerful” and will bring oneself to the position of the subbornates who are judged as less superior. Servant Leaderhsip being the key idea to the leaders in the 21 Century, we can see the landscape is changing. Singapore may be facing the biggest dilemma- a recently Tower Watson Study discovered that employees here feel far less engaged and loyal to their employers compared with their counterparts with 40% unsupported/deteched and 26% disengaged. Could it be our leaders has yet to practise their best empathy capability?
For me this is the tension between ‘head and heart’. We are encouraged to do so much leadership through our thinking (head) but we see real leader connect this with their emotions (heart). Great leaders seem to be able connect their thinking and emotions together and to encourage that with those they lead and having empathy is vital for that. Mandela was so beautifully portrayed doing this in the movie ‘Invictus’.