Lately I’ve become aware of what I feel is a growing reticence amongst people to speak spontaneously. This is particularly the case in group situations and especially amongst leaders, either when talking amongst themselves or to their staff. I have felt it myself: a sense of second-guessing as I go to say something, pulling back for fear of offending or being taken the wrong way.
It has always been this way, of course: social norms demand that we moderate what we say in given situations. But it does seem that there is less acceptance of spontaneity at the moment. There is an increasing tendency for people to be readily offended by what someone else has said, as opposed to what they meant.
To some extent this may be an extension of what we see happening in the public arena. Today’s politician rarely says anything that has not been sterilised by their advisors; the fear is that an off-script comment will be blown out of proportion by a hungry media. To emphasise the situation, hardly a week goes by without a “Celebrity in Hot Water over Ill-considered Tweet” story making news.
The downsides of this are many. Loss of spontaneity flattens our communication: it removes the colour and light. From a leadership point of view this makes it very difficult to be inspiring or even heard. It also makes us less authentic, forcing us to be something other than our true self with those around us.
However there is an upside also. We can improve our ability to speak with spontaneity without the risk of insulting, undermining or belittling. By improving our emotional health – by operating above the line and being present more often – we are more able to speak spontaneously with increased confidence that what we say will be the right thing to say. Spontaneity in this sense becomes a gift: something we give to others, something which they were probably not expecting in these chastened times.
Most of us have a degree of self-talk or ‘checking-in’ that precedes our saying something to a group or to another person. It will vary with our Enneagram type, but this checking-in might be a question like “What will the consequences be of my saying this?”, or “Is what I want to say true to me?”, or “If I say this will it be career limiting?”.
When operating ‘below the line’, these questions will tend to be very focused on ourselves and what we might get out of what we intend to say. This is where we see the celebrity or politician utter something controversial, possibly offensive to some, because by their own calculations they see their ‘spontaneous’ comment as worthwhile because of the boost it might give to their image amongst their followers.
By contrast, when operating above the line (i.e. with increased emotional health), these questions will focus more on others. In other words, you will be more attuned to those around you and concerned about the impact on them of what you want to say. Conversely, you will be less concerned about the effect on yourself of what you want to say.
The difference can be subtle: there will always be a fine line between unhealthy spontaneity and healthy spontaneity. But understanding the difference while being totally present with those around you can make you spontaneous in a respectful way. That is a gift which will genuinely be appreciated.
Gayle
Later this month Malcolm and I will be taking part in the Larapinta Challenge. As part of the challenge we are seeking sponsors willing to make a small donation on our behalf. All funds raised will go to the Australian Cancer Research Foundation. Donations can be made online here.
